I felt a deep resentment towards someone today (let’s call her T) and passive-aggressively ignored her. Why? Because during the week, I’d sent an sms to her about meeting for Hi-Tea at Marmalade Pantry. There was no reply for a whole day. So I sent a reminder sms. Which went unanswered too.
Obviously I’m upset. Why? Because she’s rude. Sure, she may have been busy, but how busy can you be to ignore even a reminder sms? No time to even give a quick “will check. busy now.”? Any response would have been better than being ignored.
Isn’t it?
Let’s dig a little further…
Some time back, T mentioned that sometimes when she doesn’t know how to respond, she will ignore the sms. We’ve all done that. An invitation from an over-eager acquaintance to a product launch talk, a question about a relationship status, an emotionally heated accusation, at some point we all receive an sms from someone, about something, that we just don’t know how to respond to. Whether its a delicate situation of rejecting the product without making the person pushing it sound rejected, or simply just trying to avoid an embarrassingly awkward conversation, we’ve all heard the message tone, read the message, sigh and put the phone away, message unanswered because its just too much to deal with at the moment.
So I’m not upset because I think she’s just been rude to me. I’m upset because in my own mind, I believe that she doesn’t value my time, my effort,… she doesn’t value ME! I am the awkward person that is too much to deal with at the moment! I have been rejected! On this train of thought, I am the janitor in charge of cleaning toilets, and not just any toilet: I’m cleaning the broken toilets that have overflowed with unmentionables.
But the fact is, I only know that she didn’t reply. I don’t know WHY. I don’t know the reasons behind the why. And I most certainly don’t know the motivations behind the reasons why.
If that didn’t make sense, give me a chance to explain:
Let’s take the example of responding to SMSes. Imagine I received an SMS about some new thing that my acquaintance wants to share with me. Not needing the product is not a reason for why I failed to respond. Its easy to simply reply, “Thanks but no thanks”. Instead, why I fail to reply is because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. And the reason why I don’t want to hurt their feelings is because I will be seen as the bad guy who hurts people’s feelings. And my motivation? To avoid, at all costs, being perceived to be a unfriendly, cold-hearted, unhelpful person… better to be the overwhelmed person who “got the sms but was so busy that I forgot to reply” than the uncaring person who says “no”. The former pleads guilty to being overworked. The latter says you’re an unfeeling mouth-breather.
Now here’s the thing that I have to keep reminding myself: I only know about the act. I don’t know WHY. I don’t know the REASONS and I certainly don’t know the MOTIVATIONS. And there can be a gazillions Whys and Reasons and Motivations!
But what we don’t know, our minds fill in the blanks with the worst possible scenarios!
So… some people survive by filling the blanks with THE OPPOSITE.
They think the best of everyone, and live in this little glass bubble where everyone is a saint (bu them) and every mistake must have a justifiable and extremely valid reason (except their own).
Guess what? That was me, too.
A friend promised to spend more time with me but didn’t call for a whole month? She must have a good reason. I don’t know what it is but it must be good — maybe they really wanted to but was so busy with other more important people. I must forgive and forget. It’s the Christian thing to do. Which means, the very next time she calls at a drop of a hat to say she has THAT VERY afternoon free so shall we have lunch, I will drop everything I had previously planned in order to meet up with her. After all, she’s the busy one so a good Christian accommodates others, right? Plus, she has more important things to do than me.
Err, hello?
Neither one of these scenarios is helpful. The first one makes me want to mope in a corner and eat worms angrily, the second, well, I am still eating worms only this time I think I deserve it.
So what’s my solution to this? STICK WITH THE FACTS.
The fact is Miss Last Minute didn’t call and live up to her promise.
The fact is T didn’t reply my sms.
WHY? Reasons? Motivations? I don’t know. So unless I’m willing to approach them for an open dialogue, I will never know the whys, the reasons and the motivations. And guessing will only make me feel worse because we choose the worst possible scenarios to fill in the blanks.
So where does this leave me?
Since the only person whose action I have control over is MYSELF, then I will choose to take action that is based on… fact.
If the fact is T didn’t reply my sms, then I will just go on with my life, make my plans and go ahead to Marmalade Pantry with the other girls sans T. Simple as that.
If the fact is a friend who doesn’t call for a month, suddenly pops up and wants to spend an unplanned lunch together, well, that will depend on whether I want to make the time for it. And if I do, it won’t be because I’m less important and so must cater to her every whim. It will simply be assessing whether the value of spending time with her is worth the inconveniences.
And by the way, before I leave off, I have to say this… if someone tells you that you’re less important, it doesn’t mean you are. If someone said they thought you were a carrot, does it make you a root vegetable? It just means that THEY think you’re a carrot. That’s it. It doesn’t mean anything else. It doesn’t mean they are blind, callous, uncaring, rude bigots who can’t tell a human being from donkey snacks. All those adjectives are our own interpretation of the facts. And interpretation isn’t fact. Cuz facts are undeniable truths. Whereas interpretation is, well, arguable.
Stick with the facts. My new mantra for peace of mind.